The Fourth of July. 2010.
It was mid-afternoon, so the streets weren’t super jammed yet, but they would be soon.
I was doing a couple things around my apartment, just cleaning up, and I grabbed the full bag of garbage in my hands to take it out to the back alley. I slipped on my shoes and walked down the front steps to walk through the narrow walkway between my house and the house next to mine. As I’m heading back to the alley, I look down to realize that I was almost about to step on a turtle. A gross, ugly, foreign turtle. I screamed like a little girl, and I turned around and retreated back inside, garbage still in my hand.
I had to watch the action from the window. I needed to get to the alley but this monster was blocking my way. Oh, gross. I could see it walking as it does. It was slimy and disgusting, with a really long neck and a soft, jiggly shell that kinda moved when it walked, almost like Jell-O. Eww. Clearly, this turtle wasn’t indigenous to Pennsylvania, but some asshole had dropped it off and said “f*ck you, Raphael- I don’t want you no mo’.” Fine. But I wasn’t touching it.
He was making his way through the neighbor’s bit of grass to the street. Even though I wasn’t about to hug and kiss it, I didn’t want to see it get hit by a car on my busy street. And the street would just keep getting busier, as it was a holiday. So, that’s when I called Animal Control. Closed. Closed, for the holiday. F*ck it all. I walked outside to find it, and it was gone. I was trotting up and down the street, bending down and looking under cars. Seriously. I was about six or seven houses up, on the other side of the street, and a young-ish couple were sitting on their front steps. I stopped and asked “excuse me, have you seen a turtle go by here?” They said nothing; they just stared. I continued telling the story with bits of “I’m afraid of turtles” and “I was taking out the garbage” and “It looks like Jell-O.” Nothing. Just staring. Then, I happened to look to my right and I saw its gross little head peeking out from under a parked car. “There it is!!” Finally realizing everything I had been telling them was the truth, the young girl exclaimed “I wanna see” and they both ran with me up to the car. When she went to touch it, her betrothed was all “don’t touch that thing, babe…it might have diseases.” Clearly, he was as much of a pussy as I was. He told me to call Animal Control and I told him that I did and that they were closed for the holiday. They basically shrugged and walked away.
So I went inside and that’s when I went a little crazy, I guess. I called 9-1-1. Yes, I know. I asked to be connected to my local police office, and then I explained the whole story to the poor on-call officer who rebutted with “ummm…let me get my supervisor.” I explain the situation again, panicked, to the station supervisor, and then, very condescendingly, he said “sir, a police officer isn’t going to come out on the Fourth of July to pick up a turtle.” Fine then. F*ck you. F*ck you with something hard and sand-papery.
Finally, I thought of the answer: Craigslist! Why not?! You can do anything or find anything there. This would be the first time I’m using Craigslist for a service like this! Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. It would be nice to branch out. Since I wasn’t getting near the horrific thing to take a photo, I Googled its features and decided it must be a spiny soft-shelled turtle. Oh, how awful! F*ckin’ gross me out. Anything this disgusting is proof there is no God, once again. So, I posted the dreadful picture in my Craigslist ad, and I don’t know exactly what I said, but it went something like:Hello people, do you like turtles?! I don’t! I found one terrorizing my front yard, and I will help you take it away. I’m attaching a picture of this thing, and you’ll probably think it’s just ADORABLE if you’re into that sort of thing. It sorta got out of hand and is now roaming my block but I will give you my number and help you track it down. Bring a box. Also, don’t send me hate mail telling me I’m an a-hole for not getting it in water or it will die or whatever. It can die, because I’m not touching it. I don’t know if it will kick, bite, spit, jump, snap, or whatever, but I’m not finding out. Oh, its back is like Jell-O.
Still, I got a bunch of nasty hate-mail calling me a bastard for not wrangling or handling it. Waste of someone’s finger muscles; I didn’t even reply. Finally, this girl in Shadyside was all “I’m right down the street and I love turtles so I’ll be right there!” Great, beeyotcha. And hurry up. I have plans and it’s almost dark on the Fourth of July.
She came with her little box to load up the turtle and it took us like 20 minutes to find the damn thing. It was clear up by Friendship Park, almost a whole block away! We finally found the thing, pokin’ around some old lady’s begonias or something, and I swear to Pete, this girl left the box, scooped up the turtle under her arm like it was a textbook, waved goodbye, and hopped in her car. Fuh-reak! Whew, what a night!
My plans fell though. I got a couple drinks at a local dive by myself.
Happy World Turtle Day!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Brandon Sink, 30, currently resides in a rainbow-colored mansion, Haus du Sparkles, just outside of Dollywood. He runs a turtle sanctuary and owns three prize-winning poodles: RZA, GZA, and Elton John.
While my nephew does not have a website or blog you can check out (yet!) I encourage you to leave him comments below. I cannot get enough of this kid’s sense of humor. Read a little more about him by clicking here.
Traveling Marla is unplugged for three weeks while she prepares for her move to South Africa. She put out a call for guest posts (see original request here), and is grateful to receive so much support! Please see the full list below.
Please support these writers by reading each of their guest posts and checking out their own blogs!
Thanks, as always for taking time to read my blog and comment. Although I’m offline right now, I will return in a few short weeks when we’re settled in South Africa and I promise to read all of your comments!
Love, MarlaNed Hickson of Ned’s Blog Rose, of On the Go Fitness Pierr Morgan Leslie and Amanda, of Survival is Relative Colin of Uber Beast Mode Robyn, of You Think Too Much Baz – The Landy (Out and About and Having Fun) Brandon: my quirky, brilliant, dashing nephew Dallas, of Crazy Train to Tinky Town CultFit Caroline, of Currer and the Bells Dakota Garilli Trophos, of The Dancing Professor Leo, of Doggy’s Style Kayla, of Encounter Peru Benjamin Prewitt – Expression of my life – An evolution of art Kriscinda, of Heavy Metal Homesteading Lynne, of Home Free Adventures Jeff: my witty and hilarious ebberlubbinbrudder Jody, of Human Triumphant Julie of J-Bo.net Ingrid, of Live Laugh RV