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The Brandon Roast…Because You Only Turn 30 Once!

My nephew turns 30 today…THIRTY!! I thought today’s post would be the perfect time to write him a letter, and maybe roast him just a teensy bit by sharing some photos he’s going to kill me for…

I remember snapping this picture. Brandon was already wary of my paparazza antics.

Dear Brandon,

I was thirteen when you were born.

Attacked by a vendor’s parrot on the Santa Monica Pier.

I remember how excited I was. I was the youngest in my family, and always wanted a little brother or sister. I loved babysitting and learned how to change diapers, give baths and all the duties of taking care of a baby.  You had really smelly diapers. I thought “Dear God, do all babies have such stinky shit?” (Yes. Yes, they do.)

My handsome nephew, Brandon.

I also owned my own camera by then. I had won it a year or two earlier selling magazines for school and every time I got money for film or developing, I was taking photos of you and, two years later, your sister, Brianna.

We saw a cool snake at this stop. Hoped it was a sidewinder but alas no…

The best memories of my teenage years and early college are of babysitting you both.

Brandon entertaining me with a mock photo shoot at Getty Center in Los Angeles.

We would reenact scenes from Adventures in Babysitting and play dressup and watch Smurfs together and when Kurt and I got married, you and your sister were the ringbearers in our wedding.

Such a cute kid you were. Such a handsome man you became!

We have gone on roadtrips together and wherever we live, you are our most frequent visitor.

Goldwell Open Air Museum in Rhyolite Ghost Town, Nevada

We even got to meet Jay Leno together on one of your visits.

I went to the Jay Leno show five times while we lived in Los Angeles. This was the only time I got picked from the audience to meet him. SO happy Brandon was there to go up with me!

We even survived Death Valley together…

Although we are mock dying from the heat, it was still 105!…in April! Blah.

…and you rivaled my tree-hugging penchant with your own brand of awesome craziness…

After I insisted on hugging this Joshua Tree, Brandon showed me the proper way to hug an overgrown member of the yucca family.

(and we both know you can build a better rockpile 😉 )

We had so much fun creating rock piles and “rock piles” at Mosaic Canyon Narrows in Death Valley. Up the hill in the distance beyond this rock pile, Brandon and Kurt are standing on the edge of an overlook. (I was too heat-exhausted to climb.)

You have also taken the brunt of several of my mooning attempts and survived burned-out retinas in the process.

Stealth photos are fair game if you’re caught sleeping on a road trip!

Thirty is just the beginning, my B to the RAN to the D-O-N, and I look forward to more adventures together for the next fifty-eight years (although perhaps when I’m 101 our adventure will be you learning how to change my diaper – how’s that for burning the retina of your imagination?)

Doing our best L.A. Posers impression at The Getty Center.

I love you forever,

Auntie M.

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