Happy Anniversary to my Husband, Welcome Baby New Year and F**k Your Resolutions
- Welcome to the world, baby Clara!
- Happy Anniversary, Kurt
- F**ck Your Resolutions
- Win 2 VIP Tickets to RZA – last opportunity!!!
1. Welcome to the world, baby Clara!
Welcome to the world! You were born the weekend before New Year’s, and you are my new grand-niece. I know your name is actually Clara, but your uncle Brandon and I have been teasing about calling you Nightwolf now for several months. It began as a funny email he sent, with suggestions of silly baby names for your mommy (my niece). Something about that crazy Mortal Kombat character struck me as perfect, and what better way for this old aunt to bond with you than some strange and inappropriate nickname.
The day you came into the world, your uncle Brandon and I were exchanging belated Christmas over brunch at the Grand Concourse. We talked about you and how lucky you are to arrive into such a wonderful family. You parents are very kind and loving. Your older sister, Adeline is as sweet as you will be. She’s walking and just beginning to talk, and she’s going to be the best big sister you could ask for.
But the best part of your family are weird extended relatives. I hope I’m both the strangest and the favorite. I’ll ply you with many gifts to ensure the latter, and well, the former just isn’t even an effort, really. I’m by far the weirdest relative you will have. I’m your Grand Aunt (don’t even get me started on the people who incorrectly use the term Great Aunt all the time). When you’re old enough I’ll teach you the difference between Grand and Great but in the meantime, you can just call me Aunt Marla or Auntie M just like they do.
I can’t wait to meet you.
2. Happy Anniversary, Kurt
I won the husband lottery. There is no other way to explain how I am lucky enough to be married to my best friend, to the most caring and affectionate man a girl could ask for, but who won’t hesitate to spank my bottom when requested. (Oops. TMI? Hmmm. TMI. Oh well.) Happy 19 years, Kurt. “If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.” ~A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
3. F**k Your Resolutions
I have a potty mouth. Kurt always jokes that nobody really knows me who has not been at the listening end of a slew of curse words that I can rattle off for minutes at a time, pausing only to catch my breath and continue.
I actually have a bit of a cynical view on New Year’s Resolutions, and have really been enjoying articles written by other New Year’s Resolution cynics, because you get kind of tired of seeing the same people making the same promises that are broken in only a few short months. And why? Because they’re “supposed” to make one? It’s the thing to do?
My new friend Colin, a fellow blogger and fitness motivator, wrote one of my favorites of these cynical New Year’s articles. You can read it here: My Way: The Problem with New Year’s Resolutions.
Really, it’s kind of the worst time of year to make any kind of resolve. Food is flying. Weather is awful for exercise.
But…the optimist in me, thought I feel the same as he does, that lifestyle changes should to occur when you make the decision, not wait for some grand end-of-year gesture, likes to believe that there is something about New Year’s that helps give that push and momentum to actually make it work.
What I like about New Year’s Resolutions is that I do stop and think “What else?” when I might not otherwise do so. I guess knowing that New Year’s is approaching and planning the resolutions is a way to allow for a finite view of ending one chapter of our lives and starting another one.
I have 2 resolutions this year:
- Stop saying the word f**k (except, of course, during sex)
- When I disagree with someone, speak up instead of remaining silent
Kurt is very excited about the first resolution. He keeps asking “Is it 2013 yet?” every time it drops from my mouth. I curse a lot, and I love cursewords the way I love dark chocolate marzipan. I love to curse when I’m angry, when I’m sad, when I’m driving, when I’m eating, especially if I’m eating dark chocolate marzipan, or my new obsession, almond macarons from Paris 66. I can drop the f-bomb a million times over in joyous trembling over orgasmic food. It goes something like “Oh f**king god, yeah. F**k my mouth you amazing little f**k. Yeah. That’s it. Ooh you’re so f**king good. Oh. f**k. F**k. F**k. F**k. F**k. God, yes, f**k.
You might think it seems a bit unfair that I allow the word to continue in sex but not in eating, since the orgasmic effect is virtually the same, but, well, eating is often public and really, who wants to hear me mouth-f**king a piece of chocolate for twenty minutes? Granted, I will still be committing adultery with my food, but you won’t hear about it anymore.
The other f-bombs will be equally difficult. I think the word even knows it’s on its last day. As we ran several errands this morning, Kurt and I noticed it was spewing from my mouth so frequently and colorfully that we figured it knows it’s dying. This is its last chance to put itself out there before it’s gone.
How am I going to enforce this? Money jars don’t work for me, and I had enough Palmolive washing out my mouth growing up that I kind of like the taste. No, it needs to be something more, well, shocking.
Enter: “Slap Bet.” Yep, if you’ve ever watched How I Met Your Mother you know the meaning of slap bet. Every time I drop the F*bomb, Kurt has permission for one slap. But it can’t be anywhere I enjoy being slapped, or that would defeat the purpose. Oops. TMI again? Oh well. I’ll be surprised if Kurt can ever actually bring himself to make good on slap bet, but he does seem strangely excited for 2013.
Regarding that second resolution, I have a few caveats with that one as well, but it’s not as entertaining to post, so I’ll just say I’m both looking forward to becoming more argumentative, and wary of it.
4. Win 2 VIP Tickets to RZA – last opportunity!!!
Those of you who have been reading the posts know that I have 2 VIP Tickets to RZA in Pittsburgh in April. Every time you entered a contest during December you were entered for this drawing.
Today is the last opportunity to enter for the tickets.
You can get up to 15 entries today:
- 5 Entries if you sign up to receive my blog by email. (Yes, if you already get it by EMAIL then you have 5 entries. *Please note that clicking *Follow at the top of the page is not the same thing as getting it by email. You actually have to sign up on the right side of the page. See the little area on the right of this page that looks like this:
- 5 Entries if you *Like* and say something supportive or nice to the people at Pittsburgh Arts & Lectures on their Facebook Page. If you already like them, make sure you go comment on their page so I see you there. That’s the only way I can tell that you like their page.
- 5 Entries if you Share this post either on Facebook or Twitter. Make sure you leave a comment below letting me know you did so I can go find it (if I can’t see the share, it doesn’t count.)
I will be offline enjoying the day with Kurt tomorrow, so I will announce the winner on January 2nd. You have until midnight January 1st (tomorrow) to get these final entries in!